I don't know if I'll survive this...

[blanket]

I lived with my mother briefly when I was 23. One night my sister came round to visit her and we had a huge row. I had already drank a bottle of wine and a beer when I decided to leave the house. We lived in a small town, it was midnight on a weekday so the only creature which stirred was perhaps a cat or two. I jumped on my 125cc motorcycle and rode down to the shore. I knew I had a drink in me and it would be serious if I were to be stopped so I made sure speeding wouldn't culminate in an 18-month ban for drink driving. I rode 20mph along the road, then 10mph along the cobbled street where the shops are, a journey which took around 5-8 minutes. I parked up and sat on the beech for 20 minutes or so. I returned to my bike to head back home. The moment I pulled away, the blue lights stopped me. "Have you been drinking". I answered in the affirmative. My dad's a cop and have grown up always to respect the police. They arrested me, I was thrown in a cell until the following morning.

Fast forward to the day of my trial and I was in the lobby of the courtroom reading over the police statement. On the night I was arrested my sister had called the police and given a description of me and my bike and where I was likely to be. My provisional driver's licence was disqualified for 14 months and I was fined £560. I work in hospitality, drinking in excess in very commonplace. I'm a bartender living on peanuts so I couldn't afford the fine, I still haven't paid. The ban ended on 20th August, last month. I spent £90 to re-apply for my licence and a further £98.50 to take their medical.

I haven't curbed my drinking since then, I'm still a bartender. I'm worried that a small mistake made over a year ago will cost me my life. You see, my motorcycle was my life, I had it for only 10 months before I lost it. Losing it meant that I lost access to a girl I was seeing up north, with whom I had fallen in love; public transport doesn't go near there. I had to cut her off. During the time I had the bike, I finally found my calling in life and had undergone training to become a climbing instructor. Finally, something which I actually loved and could get me away from the late-night bar work I was doing. Something to start living a more healthy and fulfilled lifestyle too. I lost job prospects, I lost access to the climbing arena. In short, I lost everything. Depression, from which I have suffered for my whole adult life, began to define who I was. For the past 14 months, losing the only thing which finally brought me happiness has destroyed me. I've lost friends and intimate relationships. I've lost jobs and my motivation for anything has been crippled.

I decided to end my life through asphyxiation. I bought a cylinder of helium and it's been in the wardrobe for months. Support from my dad is the only thing that has kept me going. "Only another 10 months now, you've done 4", "You're over half way now, you'll have your bike in no time", "Last month, son, and you can start climbing again, I'll even pay for your bike to be serviced since it's been in storage for so long".

It's been 15 months and 4 days, today. I still don't have my licence. I went for my medical on 13th August and I just need to wait another couple of weeks or so. So now I get to the point of my story, I might fail my medical. We all know how strict these things are, what if my blood test says I drink too much? I won't piss away another year or so of my twenties. I won't waste any more of my life living with suicidal depression, back to square 1 after only tasting happiness for 10 months. It's either now or never. I'm not going to survive if my freedom is refused. I can't live like this.

They were right when they said drink driving destroys lives. Well, I guess I'll update you when the verdict is made.

Cheers

 

[price1367]

Blanket, you have to think of the positives. Yes your sister’s call ended up in you being arrested, but I an certain that she reported you going missing out of concern for you and your state of mind, not because you had been drinking. You also say you have continuing support from your dad and that can be so positive as you battle with depression.
BUT, alcohol cannot, and will not, be the answer to you coping with depression. It is a depressant in its own right and you will just continue a downward spiral if you do not eliminate it from your life. You do not HAVE to drink because you are a bartender, you are choosing to drink. If you do feel that you have to drink because of your job then you have to give the job up. You say that you do not know how to cope if you fail the medical, but you admit you have not curbed your drinking so you are heading towards what you want to avoid. That indicates alcohol dependence where you are allowing Alcohol to have a big impact on your life. Perhaps you should seek help from an organisation that provides support for problem drinkers. Alcohol causes depression, it will never cure it.
if your medical was on 13th August and you have not had the result yet then it seems likely that DVLA will have written to your doctor to ask about your medical history in the past 2 years or so. What it’s the outcome of that likely to be?
Next get rid of the helium canister. By keeping it in the wardrobe you will constantly have thoughts of using it every time you have a bad day.
I feel for you, but pity or sympathy will not provide practical help, you have so much you want to do with your life so you have to get to a position where you regain some control over what your future will be. Draw on the family support that you have and seek additional expert support quickly.

 

[TipsyNurse]

To add to what Price has said, you need to separate your DD ban from your depression.

A DD ban is meant to cause hardship. Everyone relies on their car or bike, otherwise they wouldn't pay considerable sums of money to have it each year. For most people they get through it, job done.

Confession time, I have been on a bridge parapet (bipolar). I know how it feels for something you know other people should cope with to push to over the edge. I know the pain of weighing it against your current responsibilities. For better or worse, the only option is professional help via your GP. Depression kills, and it it too dangerous to tackle alone.

Perhaps beyond the scope of this forum, but once you are better, having a suicide method can actually be comforting. I have a 100% lethal drug near me now. Knowing it is there is a form of stability. If you don't have that, your mind is consumed with suicide. Once you have control, there is not that pressing urgency and fear. Certainly in your current frame of mind you should hand it to someone you trust. But don't be afraid of suicide. The more you build it up in your head, the more it dominates your mind. Suicide is a choice, not an inevitability.

Good luck with the future and enjoy having your licence back - not long to go!

 

[rufus]

Im no expert but in a similar position and the reoccuring theme in most posts on the forum is depression. If you havent seen your GP, please do so as I think this is the crux of the matter.

Depression is a vicious cycle, you drink because your depressed, the alcohol makes you more depressed and so the merry-go-round continues.

Join groups, forums etc - talking / writing is the best medication you can have, once you realise you are not on your own, you are not the only one, others have been there / done that and came through the other side, things will seem a lot brighter.

 

[TipsyNurse]

Just one thing - alcohol does not make you depressed. It is a depressant - it depressed your central nervous system which is what makes you feel relaxed and out of it.

Drinking too much is a symptom of depression. The distinction is only important because if you are clinically depressed as Rufus correctly says you need to see your GP.

I see people, sometimes admitted for detox, who hear "alcohol makes you depressed" and so think stopping drinking will cure your depression. It inevitably doesn't and if they don't get withdrawal they just fall off the wagon big time and end up even more hopeless and desperate than before.

It is really important to treat them as two separate, albeit related, issues.