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Husband just won't stop drinking/driving

Leilla

New member
#1
Married 42 years. For many years he hardly drank at all. Would drink water at parties after 2 glasses wine and would never entertain drinking & driving. Then he started drinking heavier about 10 years ago for no apparent reason. He is now a bad tempered, argumentative, moody, lying drunk. I cannot believe that anyone can change their personality so drastically. He was self employed for 38 years and had to give that up when he got his first ban of 12 months. He never gave up drinking and occasionally helps me in my business, but I can't leave him alone or trust him to do a job on his own. He got his second ban 6 years later again for 12 months.
The only person who has been punished is me. I have to do all the driving, I also am now responsible for looking after his 97 year old mother who lives 8 miles from us and has to be visited twice a day. I have to do her shopping, take her for hospital and doctors appointments and because I have to be there I clean her house, do her washing and her garden...all jobs my husband used to be able to go and do on his own while I was working my own business.
He took no responsibility for the dui's and after a farce of a medical (which extended his ban by 4 weeks because it took so long to organise and get the results) he got his licence back and despite ridiculous promises is STILL drinking and driving. He hasn't even gone 1 day since being stopped without drinking and doesn't see the problem. Today I was going out in my car and saw him turn the corner into our road and drive away in the opposite direction. I followed him and soon realised there was a police car parked in our road. When I stopped him the smell of drink coming off him was overpowering but of course he denied drinking and he denied that he had driven into our road at all..I was seeing things (again)
I took the car keys off him when he came home and went out in my car taking his keys with me. He went out on his bike to the nearest Spar and bought drink. When I got home he could hardly stand up and was ranting for his car keys...which he didn't get. He has now gone to bed in a raving temper telling me what a bad wife I am and a liar and it's all my fault (of course.)
My business is suffering, I am losing money because I can't concentrate and I lost 2 contracts this week. We have no savings because he has drunk them all away and I have no family that I can go to. The house is in his name (that was how it was done 45 years ago!) and he'd never leave.
All I really care about is stopping him drink driving. I have threatened to call the police but he knows I wouldn't 'cos next time he'll go to prison and the shame would kill his mother..I have to spare her that.
I have no idea what to do any more. I have tried everything. This man built our house, fixed our cars, landscaped our garden, built a very successful business and was a good kind loving husband for 30 years.....what the hell happened?????
 

Leilla

New member
#2
Just as an addition to my post, I have driven my husbands' car to a friends house 20 miles away and she is going to keep it in her garage. I have also given her the keys so that he can't drive. She dropped me off at the end of the road and he is still in bed so he doesn't even know I've been out. So at least I know he won't be able to drive for a while. Hopefully this will make him think. He is never violent so I know that he will only rant tomorrow when he knows the car is gone. I can put up with that.
 
#3
Married 42 years. For many years he hardly drank at all. Would drink water at parties after 2 glasses wine and would never entertain drinking & driving. Then he started drinking heavier about 10 years ago for no apparent reason. He is now a bad tempered, argumentative, moody, lying drunk. I cannot believe that anyone can change their personality so drastically. He was self employed for 38 years and had to give that up when he got his first ban of 12 months. He never gave up drinking and occasionally helps me in my business, but I can't leave him alone or trust him to do a job on his own. He got his second ban 6 years later again for 12 months.
The only person who has been punished is me. I have to do all the driving, I also am now responsible for looking after his 97 year old mother who lives 8 miles from us and has to be visited twice a day. I have to do her shopping, take her for hospital and doctors appointments and because I have to be there I clean her house, do her washing and her garden...all jobs my husband used to be able to go and do on his own while I was working my own business.
He took no responsibility for the dui's and after a farce of a medical (which extended his ban by 4 weeks because it took so long to organise and get the results) he got his licence back and despite ridiculous promises is STILL drinking and driving. He hasn't even gone 1 day since being stopped without drinking and doesn't see the problem. Today I was going out in my car and saw him turn the corner into our road and drive away in the opposite direction. I followed him and soon realised there was a police car parked in our road. When I stopped him the smell of drink coming off him was overpowering but of course he denied drinking and he denied that he had driven into our road at all..I was seeing things (again)
I took the car keys off him when he came home and went out in my car taking his keys with me. He went out on his bike to the nearest Spar and bought drink. When I got home he could hardly stand up and was ranting for his car keys...which he didn't get. He has now gone to bed in a raving temper telling me what a bad wife I am and a liar and it's all my fault (of course.)
My business is suffering, I am losing money because I can't concentrate and I lost 2 contracts this week. We have no savings because he has drunk them all away and I have no family that I can go to. The house is in his name (that was how it was done 45 years ago!) and he'd never leave.
All I really care about is stopping him drink driving. I have threatened to call the police but he knows I wouldn't 'cos next time he'll go to prison and the shame would kill his mother..I have to spare her that.
I have no idea what to do any more. I have tried everything. This man built our house, fixed our cars, landscaped our garden, built a very successful business and was a good kind loving husband for 30 years.....what the hell happened?????
Unfortunately, until HE realises its a problem and he actually has a problem. Things are unlikely to change. If a person is convicted of drink driving twice within the space of 10 years the mandatory minimum disqualification is 36 months (3 years). In what year(s) were your husbands previous convictions?

Just as an addition to my post, I have driven my husbands' car to a friends house 20 miles away and she is going to keep it in her garage. I have also given her the keys so that he can't drive. She dropped me off at the end of the road and he is still in bed so he doesn't even know I've been out. So at least I know he won't be able to drive for a while. Hopefully this will make him think. He is never violent so I know that he will only rant tomorrow when he knows the car is gone. I can put up with that.
At least this will keep him from drinking and driving for a while.
 
#4
I feel for you, but as the moderator says, he has to realise for himself that he has a big problem with alcohol.
Does he have a best friend that he might listen to, if he will not listen to you? That can sometimes work better than you "nagging" him (as he sees it)
as to:
"have threatened to call the police but he knows I wouldn't 'cos next time he'll go to prison and the shame would kill his mother..I have to spare her that.
Don't be caught up in a guilt trip about what the consequences might be. The consequences of him drink driving and killing someone would be even more severe on his mother and everyone in his family. If he is caught again, without hurting someone, he may well get an alcohol treatment order as a part of his sentence, which may start him addressing his problems.
 

Leilla

New member
#5
Hi, Thanks for the replies. The car is still locked away and I have to admit he has been "quite" well behaved for the last few days.
His first ban was 4 years ago when he was banned for a year. The insurance was astronomical when he got his licence back. The dui shows on his licence for 6 years I think and the original was still there when he got banned again last year for another 12 months. I thought they would throw the book at him. We paid £1800 for a solicitor plus his fines etc. In a way I wish he hadn't bothered with a solicitor because they just use any loopholes & excuses to make sure their client gets the most lenient sentence and I feel what he needed as well as the ban was community service or something that would make him feel too ashamed to do this again.
All his friends drink. They are all business owners and have plenty of money to spend on drink and feel they deserve it after a hard days' work.They won't try to discourage him.
I think that when drivers are convicted they should be forced to pay for a mentor to be with them when they are driving for the first year after their ban. My husband is a very experienced driver, driving HGVs for years. If he had a young man or woman sitting at his side mentoring him, he would feel so ashamed of being monitored by someone with less experience than him. that alone would make him think twice!
So, I guess another week of no car and I'll see how it goes from there.
Thanks for your kind words and advice.
 
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