How to help someone stop drink driving

Convicted Driver Insurance

Busybee

Member
Hi
New to this as I have no where else to turn. A very close friend of mine drinks and drives. They completely deny drinking when you can hear it in their voice, see it in their actions. I'm so worried about them. I want to help but every time I bring it up or speak to them when they have drunk driven they get abusive, defensive.

Any advise would be much appreciated 🙏🏽
 

Mrq2702

Active member
Hi
New to this as I have no where else to turn. A very close friend of mine drinks and drives. They completely deny drinking when you can hear it in their voice, see it in their actions. I'm so worried about them. I want to help but every time I bring it up or speak to them when they have drunk driven they get abusive, defensive.

Any advise would be much appreciated 🙏🏽
beleave me he or she does not want to go down the road we have its a right nightmare the ban is one thing but only when you wake up and see what its cost do you kick yourself and thats what im doing now trying to get it back
 

grice96

Well-known member
Hi
New to this as I have no where else to turn. A very close friend of mine drinks and drives. They completely deny drinking when you can hear it in their voice, see it in their actions. I'm so worried about them. I want to help but every time I bring it up or speak to them when they have drunk driven they get abusive, defensive.

Any advise would be much appreciated 🙏🏽

It's a question of morality when you know someone is drunk driving. Many who find this forum would tell you to mind your own business. I was caught and I don't agree with that, I was very lucky I didn't kill anyone. I crashed and caused a lot of damage, very very close to pedestrians. Too close for comfort infact. I'm glad I was caught, I finally addressed my behaviour and will be 3 years sober this summer.

I'm haunted by how close I was to killing someone. Don't allow yourself to be haunted by ignoring it and your friend killing themselves, a car full of people, a pedestrian, a child running out on the road... The possibilities are endless. Do whatever helps you sleep at night, no one can make decisions for you but it will be difficult to take away the feeling of doing nothing if something does go wrong. The decision is up to you, you will likely lose the friend if they found out it was you who reported them.
 

price1367

TTC Group
Perhaps you should buy a breath test device (Alcosense sell a basic one at £44.99)


Give it to your friend. See if he will use it in front of you before he drives. He may have convinced himself that he is not over the limit when he drives.
If he is not interested in trying the machine, he presumably does know he is over the limit when he drives. You then have to be cruel to be kind and tell him that you will report him and his car number to the police for them to deal with.
 
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Busybee

Member
It's a question of morality when you know someone is drunk driving. Many who find this forum would tell you to mind your own business. I was caught and I don't agree with that, I was very lucky I didn't kill anyone. I crashed and caused a lot of damage, very very close to pedestrians. Too close for comfort infact. I'm glad I was caught, I finally addressed my behaviour and will be 3 years sober this summer.

I'm haunted by how close I was to killing someone. Don't allow yourself to be haunted by ignoring it and your friend killing themselves, a car full of people, a pedestrian, a child running out on the road... The possibilities are endless. Do whatever helps you sleep at night, no one can make decisions for you but it will be difficult to take away the feeling of doing nothing if something does go wrong. The decision is up to you, you will likely lose the friend if they found out it was you who reported them.
How did you change things? Even after being caught kind of at one point he stopped drinking driving for abit but then has started again. I just can't see someone destroy themselves and convince themselves they are fine to drive.
 

Busybee

Member
Perhaps you should buy a breath test device (Alcosense sell a basic one at £44.99)


Give it to your friend. See if he will use it in front of you before he drives. He may have convinced himself that he is not over the limit when he drives.
If he is not interested in trying the machine, he presumably does know he is over the limit when he drives. You then have to be cruel to be kind and tell him that you will report him and his car number to the police for them to deal with.
I've bought one in hopes to prove to him he is drink driving. But when's he's been drinking he doesn't see reason.
 

Jimbob

Well-known member
I have thought about this..but u feel I would cause harm to future work for him.
That's very true I'm a Libra so like the scales I like to balance things out from both sides it could cause harm for future work for him, his actions could cause harm for someone's future work or someone else's live, it's catch 22 ain't it damned if you do damned if you don't

I will just say this though...............he's bloody lucky to have such a good friend in you!
 

Busybee

Member
That's very true I'm a Libra so like the scales I like to balance things out from both sides it could cause harm for future work for him, his actions could cause harm for someone's future work or someone else's live, it's catch 22 ain't it damned if you do damned if you don't

I will just say this though...............he's bloody lucky to have such a good friend in you!
Thanks Jimbob. Sometimes I think perhaps if I can find someone to talk to him whose gone through it. Learnt the hard way. Or have him speak to someone whose family has suffered as a result of DD. Maybe that might show him that a) he's got a problem b) his actions effect all around him
 

Jimbob

Well-known member
Thanks Jimbob. Sometimes I think perhaps if I can find someone to talk to him whose gone through it. Learnt the hard way. Or have him speak to someone whose family has suffered as a result of DD. Maybe that might show him that a) he's got a problem b) his actions effect all around him
Hmm know what you mean a lot of convicted drink drivers like most of us on here are ordinary everyday folk and unless you maybe count a few neighbours, family and mates it ain't really something you discuss with folk, BIG taboo ain't it? Maybe google search your local newspaper and find some local DD cases and bring up that way........chuffing eck Dave(don't call him Dave if it ain't his name!) you read this about x only x age banned for 2 years and a grand fine.....she only lives in next town, proves police are about in area etc etc etc etc etc etc
 

Busybee

Member
Hmm know what you mean a lot of convicted drink drivers like most of us on here are ordinary everyday folk and unless you maybe count a few neighbours, family and mates it ain't really something you discuss with folk, BIG taboo ain't it? Maybe google search your local newspaper and find some local DD cases and bring up that way........chuffing eck Dave(don't call him Dave if it ain't his name!) you read this about x only x age banned for 2 years and a grand fine.....she only lives in next town, proves police are about in area etc etc etc etc etc etc
That's a great idea. I will try that. I'm also looking into some form of alcohol therapy. See if they would be willing to speak to a professional therapist. Your right though no body wants to discuss the other side of drink driving. Thanks once again I really appreciate your thoughts
 

Luna2000

Well-known member
Hi
New to this as I have no where else to turn. A very close friend of mine drinks and drives. They completely deny drinking when you can hear it in their voice, see it in their actions. I'm so worried about them. I want to help but every time I bring it up or speak to them when they have drunk driven they get abusive, defensive.

Any advise would be much appreciated 🙏🏽
I can speak from personal experience here. I have been banned twice since 2016. Current ban is not up until October 2021. Honestly, unless your friend want's to stop drinking (and driving,) there is literally NOTHING you can do to convince them they have a problem. I have now been sober for almost 2 years after developing a problem in my 50's and I can tell you that all the threats and badgering in the world makes no difference. (Just ask my wife, friends and family.) You need to reach rock bottom before you decide to stop. I used to consciously drink and drive. I knew I was over the limit but always felt in control and once the alcohol kicked in I 'knew' I was a good driver that would never get caught.

The first time I was followed by a police car, stopped, breathalysed, spend Friday night, Saturday and Sunday in Police custody before going straight to court on the Monday. I blew 124 (yep, 124,) at the Police Station, and received a £400 fine and a 2 year ban. I also caused mayhem, stress and worry for my family as they had no idea what had happened to me after I had been arrested (so much for the police calling your family and letting them know. Apparently there is no such thing as an accused phone call.) But I still didn't stop drinking until around 2 months before the HRO Medical. After getting my licence back, I kept up the abstinence for a while but started drinking again after a few weeks and was caught (someone reported me,) and banned for 27 months (including the discount for the Drink Drivers Awareness Course,) about 2 months after I got my licence back. That was on the 12 July 2019 and I stopped drinking on the 24th (I went to AA.)

Luckily I never crashed or injured anyone.

I began binge drinking to deal with stress and pain from physical ailments. An 'excuse,' but not a reason.

I have no idea why your friend drinks, but like me he obviously needs to be shocked into doing something.

I would report him if he drives drunk again. In fact I would report anyone I suspected, not through some twisted concept of revenge because it happened to me, but because I want other people to be safe.

As I said in another post elsewhere, if you drink any alcohol, then at some time in the past or the future (and especially in Scotland with it's much lower Drink Driving limits,) you will drive while technically drunk.

Show him my post if you like, because his attitude sounds very like the one I had 2 years ago.
 

Shoegal

Well-known member
Hide the keys, get a breathalyser and download a local taxi app. The night I was caught, it would’ve cost me £6 in a taxi. Now, I’ve got an 18 month ban, a £1250 fine, about £5000 to find for repairs to my car. That’s without the emotional damage I have done to myself, a ruined reputation and I exist in state of permanent anxiety. The only saving grace is that I didn’t hurt anyone. I would never ever be so stupid again. Your friend is an idiot to keep on acting like this.
 

Polly3

Well-known member
Hide the keys, get a breathalyser and download a local taxi app. The night I was caught, it would’ve cost me £6 in a taxi. Now, I’ve got an 18 month ban, a £1250 fine, about £5000 to find for repairs to my car. That’s without the emotional damage I have done to myself, a ruined reputation and I exist in state of permanent anxiety. The only saving grace is that I didn’t hurt anyone. I would never ever be so stupid again. Your friend is an idiot to keep on acting like this.
Your description of how you feel matches how I felt. I can tell you that things will get better. You will regain the reputation that you feel you have lost and I think/ hope that your anxiety will subside. The best thing that I did was to book onto the TTC Drivers course ASAP. It was excellent and worth it regardless of the ban reduction benefit.
 

lryoung81

Member
I have been banned twice, but would regularly have a drink and get behind the wheel because I had convinced myself I was fine and was a good driver. The reality is I was putting myself and everyone else at risk and it's a small saving grace that I was banned and got help before I killed someone.

The help I got was from AA - I am an alcoholic and without dealing with that issue I was likely to keep making the same mistake over and over again. If your friend keeps choosing to drive after drinking he or she is almost certainly suffering from alcohol addiction - sort that and you sort the DD.

In terms of whether to report them or not, you don't want to have the guilt of them killing someone on your conscience. If I were in the same position, I would report a friend of mine.
 

Jon1123

Member
I can echo what lryoung has said.

Although I would never consiously drink and drive I do remember having both a lack of knowledge on the subject and a relaxed attitude which was clearly wrong. I used to think that it was ok to "have a few" and drive. This is clearly not the case. For one you have the emotional damage that drink driving entails, secondly and worst of all is the pain you could cause others for which there would be no turning back.

The issue however is more to do with drinking than driving, hence your friend needs help with the alcohol problem. Unfortunately wider society in contrast to scientific fact, sees addiction as an individuals failure that needs to be punished rather than a problem that needs rehabilitation. Telling someone to stop because of the harmful effects does not work. They need to be enlightened in a different way. And that is through self enlightenment when they perceieve that they have hit rock bottom. Losing friends and family is one easy way of hitting rock bottom.

If I were you, I would give them a final warning and stop all communication to shock them into the realisation of the danger they are causing.
 

Luna2000

Well-known member
I can echo what lryoung has said.

Although I would never consiously drink and drive I do remember having both a lack of knowledge on the subject and a relaxed attitude which was clearly wrong. I used to think that it was ok to "have a few" and drive. This is clearly not the case. For one you have the emotional damage that drink driving entails, secondly and worst of all is the pain you could cause others for which there would be no turning back.

The issue however is more to do with drinking than driving, hence your friend needs help with the alcohol problem. Unfortunately wider society in contrast to scientific fact, sees addiction as an individuals failure that needs to be punished rather than a problem that needs rehabilitation. Telling someone to stop because of the harmful effects does not work. They need to be enlightened in a different way. And that is through self enlightenment when they perceieve that they have hit rock bottom. Losing friends and family is one easy way of hitting rock bottom.

If I were you, I would give them a final warning and stop all communication to shock them into the realisation of the danger they are causing.
I think I know what you are trying to say John, but I don't think stopping all communication is the best way forward. Yes it is frustrating trying to support someone that clearly does not want help at that time, but when I did eventually stop after 2 bans, I was eternally grateful that everyone of my friends were still there, non judgemental and more importantly helpful.

Stopping contact with them will not I am afraid shock them into anything (at least at my worse it wouldn't have for me.)

The desire and the will to stop drinking has to come from within, and AA is one of the best places to start for non judgemental support and advice.
 
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