Hi,
With the ban you've got you need to try and keep it in perspective. Plenty of perfectly lovely people occasionally know they are close to the limit but still drive. Unfortunately you got caught but the worst part is out the way.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I'm not sure it is any comfort but having cared for many end of life patients across a hospice and acute wards, I strongly believe to an extent people choose when to die, and that is largely shaped by whether or not they want people to be there or not.
That may sound strange but caring for someone you get a good measure of them and their family. The last hours can be undignified and distressing. Nurses understand that and can provide TLC without being distressed by gasping, gaps in breathing, etc.
For instance, I was looking after a lady who clearly used to be very strong. First thing one morning she beckoned me over and asked me to hold her hand. We sat there for about twenty minutes whilst she just softly said different names. After that she layed back.
I said I would be back soon and that her sons were coming in an hour's time. I went back after 20 minutes and she had passed away, as I expected. That was what she wanted to end on, and she had it. She didn't want her sons to see her that way.
I could say dozens of similar stories.
If your friend died when you weren't there, I am sure it was because she wanted you to remember her as she was. She felt cared for and that was her choice. She would have wanted you to understand that, not beat yourself up because you weren't there, because everything you had done up to that point had made your friendship complete. You didn't miss the last chance to see her, because the last time you saw her was her choice.
I hope that makes sense. You are welcome to dismiss it as a random nurse but I always think it is important to explain to families and friends because many, like you, feel guilty and choked that you weren't there at the very end. But they very end isnt often what they want.
