Wow that is a tough read, makes mine feel like a walk in the park, but I'll tell it you, in the hope it helps.
I must admit, I felt very very down after my incident. I felt like my world had fallen apart and continued to go downwards. For so long I had been the voice of reason when it came to cars in my family and now I was that guy who had just been had for drinking driving. I am also the safe and confident driver. The one who has travelled the length and breadth of the country in a car. The one who routinely smashes 50k miles in 18 months.
In the weeks after, I felt nearly suicidal. I wouldn't say fully suicidal, but I remember thinking that my world was falling apart around me. My girlfriend was ready to leave me, my family were ready to disown me, I was having to constantly lie to people about why I wasn't driving anymore. I had built a life, a successful career, and the whole thing felt as though it could come crumbling down at any moment.
I remember being at the train station thinking "how could I have done things differently that night", "could I have ran", "could I have left my car, taken a taxi home, left it, and perhaps gotten away with it" ? My mind was more about me being a victim than me being the 'aggressor', perhaps the wrong word but certainly one that helps describe my feelings.
There were days that were utterly horrific.
I remember one day, about a week or two after, my girlfriend picked me up from work and we decided to travel up to the Trafford Centre in Manchester to do some Christmas shopping which was about an hour or so away. Our relationship felt very broken at this time, and she, like me, was trying to save it. She is not used to that kind of driving, stop/start in a busy metropolitan area, fast motorway stuff, and her car isn't the best for it either. She found it hard and stressful and by the time she got to the shopping centre, her mind was clearly a bit 'broken'. We bought one Christmas present and stayed for less than half an hour. She walked out, her barely speaking to me on the way back to the car, and then she broke down in tears while driving home. It felt horrific. It felt like my mistake was about to cost me my license, my relationship, my family....
Having moved into our new house before my drink driving, again, we tried to cheer ourselves up by going and buying our first Christmas tree. We, well, I, spent a fortune on it. I remember saying to her "if I can write off an expensive car and pay a fine of £500 for a stupid few drinks with friends, I can also buy us the best damned tree we can afford". Unfortunately, after getting it home, we fell out again and she broke into tears while putting the tree up. Putting the tree up was always a happy occasion for us, and we used to help each others families.... yet when it was our turn to do our own, it was tainted. I remember feeling so broken, words cannot describe it.
I had the worst Christmas for a long time. I couldn't spend it with my family, as my family live 20 miles away. We got to pop round for an hour or so, but it was hollow really.
After Christmas, was when things started to turn around for me. I decided I needed to change my outlook, stop feeling sorry for myself etc. The drink driving course helped me with that as well. Seeing other people in the same situation was surprisingly therapeutic. I wasn't sure what to expect, but there were all kinds of people there and this was a really positive experience for me....
I began to deal with my situation as it were. I used (still use) the train to get to work, or lifts off my work colleague who lives close by. I learnt the bus routes etc. I got the hang of taxis and which to use to get me to stuff like football on a Saturday and even local trains.
I mended things with my girlfriend, we went on holiday and I proposed to her, she said yes. I did my best to mend things with family. It's not perfect, but it's better.
My outlook on my actions has also changed and my attitude has as well. Instead of thinking "could I have ran", I now thank.... 'luck'(?) that I didn't hit the house that was less than 100 yards away and kill myself, or the occupants. I think to myself, had I not been involved in an accident, would I have drink driven again.... and the answer is possibly, because I had become complacent. Three pints was okay. Four pints was okay so long as I had a meal etc. I had began to brainwash myself with all this maths. It's all incorrect and it's legitimising something that is wrong.
I look at the conviction as a negative, because I'm aware that it will cause me difficulty perhaps getting into the USA for example, and I will have to declare it on job applications (if I go for any) for 5 years, but I look at the crash and the accident and the experience as a positive, because I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. It'll be a zero limit for me from now on, and what's more, I will never put myself in a situation where I can be tempted or bullied or talked into making such a ridiculous mistake again.
So I'm now in the last few months of my conviction and I am looking at new cars etc. Saving up money and what not. My life has been a lot better though since January or so.... there have been individual downs since of course, I won't lie. I had been able to, incredibly, keep my conviction and ban completely hidden from work. Despite never arriving in my own car, nobody had put 2 and 2 together. Unfortunately, my ban was leaked by a particularly unpleasant and malicious 'gossip' who found out through their job and I remember having quite a rough few days, that evening perhaps being the only one I felt as bad as back in November/December.
The only other time was when I missed out on an opportunity to drive a £160k luxury car, mostly driven by footballers, etc. I won't disclose the car in question, but a few of my friends have asked me "do you regret not being able to drive such an amazing car". Ironically, having not driven for so long, not really. Yeah it would have been nice and an experience that I'll probably never have again, but I'm a lot more gutted that I missed my favourite football team thrash an old rival a few years ago because I was on holiday. I'll still be able to drive again soon.
So yeah, that's my story.... and I hope that it gives you some comfort to know that I was in a very very dark place, but now I'm in a much better place. I hope you reach that same place. I would imagine we all go through the same experience in some form or another.